When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
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forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.