When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
not for long
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs