The news in a nutshell.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[hiding in the bushes]
Me:*whispering*they can’t see me
Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.