@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

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@AngryRaccoon2

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

@iamspacegirl

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

@TheBoydP

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@krisv_723

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

@JKickinit30

[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

@SunshineJarboly

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

@pleatedjeans

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost