When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.