When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

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Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.


I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.


If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.


The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.


My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”


I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out


Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?


Me: Your move.


[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*


Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?