Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.