@mrtruthandsoul

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

- @mrtruthandsoul

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@TheAlexNevil

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

@KKBowls

Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@ojedge

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

@Just_BCS

You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”