When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds