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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.