I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber