When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
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Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
One venti cheeseburger please.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.