When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.

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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.


someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here


Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.


Boss: “Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what’d go well with this?”
Me: “The antidote?”
Boss: “No, a nice..Wait, what?”
Me: “Nothing”


Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks



Satan: 3 pm


The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.