When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

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You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.


Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”


Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking


Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses


The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.


i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]


Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens


Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.


sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball


My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.