When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
5 ways to appear taller
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.