@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

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@Deurb1

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.

@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

@stayathomies

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

@ZackBornstein

It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic

@wildethingy

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@Michael1979

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

@frankzulla

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now