When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

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[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]


gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why


Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3


there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies


2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt


The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.


Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.


Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?


Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words


Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.