When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The symmetry is uncanny.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched