When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

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Me: goodnight son I love you.


Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*


If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.


Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will


Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”


Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.


Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.


my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”


me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2


Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.