When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.