When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?


*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*throws another
*throws another
*throws another
Burglar: WTF


My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday


My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.


[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.


I exercise religiously.

Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.


a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one


Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!


My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.


Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited