@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

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@Playing_Dad

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@shesatornado

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@Xoolun

I exercise religiously.

Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.

@AlwaysAButt

a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one

@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

@TeaAndCopy

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.

@Rica_Bee

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited