When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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*sewing*
A thread
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
They grow up so quick