When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
You Might Also Like
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I’m aging like a fine banana
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.