when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
You Might Also Like
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.