@junejuly12

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

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@ScorpionDong

Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@CherBear162

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

@ThaJawn

(playing Monopoly)

Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?

Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?

@deadstick_ron

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?