Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Chicken Pot Pie sounds like a delicious 3 course meal.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?
Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?