@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

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@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

@thepunningman

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

@girl_a_whirl

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

@XplodingUnicorn

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

@rebrafsim

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.