@dugglebutt
Google HR: do you have any questions?
Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it
Google HR: you’re hired
@GensPlace
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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@dugglebutt
@JerpsBerps
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
@TheBeerGuy73
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
@daemonic3
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
@Home_Halfway
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
@Awesome_Todd
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
@FBSisnothere
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
@edgarrants
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
@e4moji
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
@kelownagoose
A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.
But here we are.
*knocks juice box out of her hand.