When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

we come into this world naked and screaming, and tbh I’ve spent a lot of the time since then exactly the same way

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

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