@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

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@BritXNic

*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.

@kacisuewho

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@TheSharona06

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

@perlhack

we come into this world naked and screaming, and tbh I’ve spent a lot of the time since then exactly the same way

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@sammyrhodes

And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there