When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target