@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

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@dugglebutt

Google HR: do you have any questions?

Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it

Google HR: you’re hired

@JerpsBerps

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

@TheBeerGuy73

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

@Home_Halfway

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

@Awesome_Todd

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

@FBSisnothere

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

@edgarrants

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

@e4moji

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.