@Jayson_Two_time
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
@GensPlace
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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@Jayson_Two_time
@thepunningman
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
@RickAaron
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
@iQuoteComedy
What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”
@girl_a_whirl
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
@Holy_Mowgli
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
@XplodingUnicorn
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
@rebrafsim
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
@KarenReneK
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
@AbbyHasIssues
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.