When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.