When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
🍛
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
This is enough internet for the day.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix