When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”