When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.