When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
This is true.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Yes, but it was never about money
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”