@ColoChiver

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

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@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@JasonLastname

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

@MartaEffing

Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
Me:
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@slimmy_shady

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@SarahKannenberg

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted