[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges
Me: And how is my eraser?
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted