When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches


I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?


You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.


DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?


*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*


My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.