I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
UFO: *lands on my lawn
Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.
Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”