@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

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@mommajessiec

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

@Cravin4

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@ThaJawn

UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

@horsedetective

Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.

@KevinBuffalo

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter