When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

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I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.


Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien


Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.


UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass


[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.


Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.


My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter