When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits