*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
When are they going to invent a bath for people over 5’5”?
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”
Lies I’ll never stop telling:
1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.
2. It’s 6 inches long.
3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH