@McClaneJohn2

When are they going to invent a bath for people over 5’5”?

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@daemonic3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@IHPower

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@jahmauer

[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”

@superdadatron

Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.

@bromanconsul

a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend

@Tmoney68

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

@WilliamAder

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

@SICKOFWOLVES

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH