Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
A short story of betrayal:
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I wish I could veto my bills.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)