@Xalqee

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

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@XplodingUnicorn

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

@praisecheese

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

@AshleyFrankly

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

@CakeThrottle

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@njlitigator

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.