When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Oh thanks BBC.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.