*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Googles *getting back in shape*
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The training begins.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.