When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.