“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.