When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.