When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.