When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming