Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”