@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

@AimeeHelene1

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

@markleggett

I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.

@clichedout

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

@ThisOneSayz

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@RonDanChan

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.