When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…