When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.