When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*