When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.