Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
6. me as a lawyer
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.