When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.