When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name


wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though


9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine


In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.


Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”


“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”



Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.


Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.


*Interrogation room w/ murderer*

I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…

*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*