When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
#polloftheday
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”