When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.