When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Safety first
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour