When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?