When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”

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“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.


ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville


Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.


Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free


3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.


1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?


Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses