@ODeadInside

When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”

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@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

@markedly

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

@pittdave13

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.

@tigersgoroooar

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@Kyle_Lippert

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

@Browtweaten

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses