barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok