@MarcyLane

When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”

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@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@WilliamAder

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

@brakco

I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

@imdaintyaf

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@SteveSuckington

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@DirtMcTurd

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat