we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
This kid will have a bright future.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*