WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.