WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
This is my brand.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.