When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

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If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.


Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.


COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*


Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.


Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies


The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO


Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.