Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The Rock is going to have a kid, which they’ll name Pebbles.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.