@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

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@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@LeonEarlgrey

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

@papasuncle

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

@zoevsuniverse

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

@PuncherJetpack

“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop

@AnniemuMary

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.

@RyanAndrewMitch

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

@jjhartinger

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.