@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

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@Stellacopter

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

@callmeEvian

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@NicCageMatch

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

@scottthetwat

Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.