When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“You’d better run, egg!”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.