When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
That’s amazing.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE