@KngHnryVIII

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

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@PopSlapFunk

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

@Bob_Janke

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

@Cycloptomese

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

@stewnami

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

@NoTrophy4You

The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month