ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.
Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.
Lucy pulls off heist.
Lucy in disguise with diamonds.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month